5 years later...Nanni is always in my heart...

Today is October 2...this is a sad day for me because it's the anniversary of the day my Nanni passed away. She died of lung cancer on October 2, 2006. I was 30 and she had just turned 70. She had been so full of life until about 3 months before she died. She was my best friend and the only mama I ever had. I was 5 months pregnant with Cole when she died...she got to see a 3D ultrasound picture of him in her last days but she couldn't say anything to me. My heart was broken. My life would never be the same.

My grandma (Nanni) was much more than just a grandma to me. She was my mom from the time I was 6 months old. She took care of me, washed my clothes, cooked for me, helped me with my homework, read the Bible to me and was the only person in my life who ever took me to church. She did more than just meet my needs as a child and teenager, she was my friend. We talked...we talked all the time...every single day. We did everything together. We loved the same shows on TV (except she hated The Office, which I never could figure out). We loved the same movies and Lifetime movies were our favorites :) She was a constant person in my life when things weren't always consistent. It was Nanni who I remember staying up with me until midnight studying for a history test and Nanni who took care of me when I threw up all over my bed when I was a kid. I depended on her and loved her more than she will ever know.

So, that horrible day when I found out she had stage 4 lung cancer and lymphoma...well, it was one of the worst days of my life. But to be honest, I didn't really realize what all that meant that day. I thought she would be fine. I thought she would never go away. I couldn't picture my life without her and I just knew everything would be ok. The crazy thing was 2 weeks after she told me she was sick...I found out I was pregnant. I remember her telling me that she would be fine by the time the baby came and that she would stay with me and help with Little Will (who was 3 at the time) and help with the baby. I just pretended that she was right and that everything would be ok even though I saw her falling apart every day before my very eyes.

Her cancer was bad...it was miserable for her and it took her pretty fast. She fought as much as she could but it had her every which way but loose. I lived in a pretend fantasy world back then...everything will be fine, everything will ok, she'll be fine...all the while carrying a little baby inside of me and taking care of my sweet 3 year old who pretty much witnessed everything firsthand.

The last weeks in September of 2006 were the worst. I stayed at her house everyday. I would sit with her and talk about everything we were going to do when she got better. She couldn't talk to me much. She looked so different. Little Will had started to get scared. My husband, Will had to do things that he never imagined and helped her in ways that I will never forget. I probably fell more in love with him in those days than every before. I knew how much he loved her and really how much he loved me.

So, on October 2, 2006, Nanni finally got some peace. She passed away at about 8:30 that night. I missed it by 5 minutes. I had prayed that God would let me see her die if I was supposed to and if I could handle it...and I always prayed that if the Lord knew I couldn't take it, to let me not be there. Well, God knew what was right. I couldn't have handled it...especially pregnant. She fought it until the last minute. She didn't want to leave us. God knew she needed some peace...some rest.

Now, 5 years later, it's just as fresh in my mind as the days that it all happened. I miss her voice. I miss her hugs. I miss her phone calls. I miss our trips to the mall. I miss meeting up with her at Walmart to get the babies a "prize". I miss her smell. I miss it all because she was my mama and I will never let that go. I still have 5 messages she left me saved on my answering machine...I listened to them yesterday. Her voice is still as precious as before. She told Will and me that she loved us. She said she was just calling to see how we were doing. I would give anything for a call like that today. I know I'll see her in heaven one day but the ache right now is still there. What I would give for her to hold Cole,who would have made her laugh like crazy and little Mollie, who she would have loved to pieces. We'll all get our chance one day. I know we'll all be together when it's God's time. But for now, I'll remember that sweet voice and that love of a mom that I'll never have again but that I can give to my own children.

I love you Nanni...